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Bearsman
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Jokes

Thought it may be time for a joke or two in these trying times...

 

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.' "

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a specific land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Melbourne, the most glorious place on earth. The world's most liveable city. There are beautiful trees and gardens, and days filled with sunshine.
The people from Melbourne are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Canberra.... wait till you see the idiots I put there."

NorthPort
NorthPort's picture

Haha..nice work Bearsman

 


* It's time to restore the VFA name.

Bearsman
Bearsman's picture

Success is..

At age 4 .....  success is .... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 17 .... success is .... having a driving licence.
At age 20 .... success is .... having sex.
At age 35 .... success is .... having money.
At age 50 .... success is .... having money.
At age 60 .... success is .... having sex.
At age 70 .... success is .... having a driving licence.
At age 75 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 80 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants

Bearsman
Bearsman's picture

Very funny Ronnie Barker video about rhyming slang....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ij5mw_eqKuc

aj9172
aj9172's picture

Any comment needed? Am sure you toffs from up north wiil appreciate this ;)

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Wally from Will...
Wally from Williamstown's picture

that's too funny ;-)

Bearsman
Bearsman's picture

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the assistant,
‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘No! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies,
‘I’d say about 29.
’No, I’m 50.’ the woman replies with a big smile.

Now she’s feeling really good about herself.
She stops at another shop on her way home.
She goes up to the counter and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The assistant responds,
‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again, she proudly responds,
‘I’m 50 but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies,
‘Madam, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out,
‘Oh ok, go on then'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
'Okay, okay . . How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

Bearsman
Bearsman's picture

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this”, said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

“I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ and I don’t remember much after that.”

digs

Very very funny Bearsman, You're in the wrong game.!

We might be from the bush. but we ain't green

Bearsman
Bearsman's picture

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A bloke calls his mate, a horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment..'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?